i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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