Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
