i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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