I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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