come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
