There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
