my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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