Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
