Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
