So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
