no, he came in my armpit
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
