the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
