don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
