Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
