Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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