Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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