I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
