My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
