i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
