Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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