all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
