So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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