thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
