Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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