Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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