some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
