Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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