the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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