The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
