onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
