1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
