I think i sorta joined a cult last night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
