you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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