I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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