sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
