I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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