Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
