Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Randomize
