I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
