You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
