As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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