Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
