I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
