Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
