mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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