Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
