Me too!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
