got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
