I skipped work to stalk him.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
