One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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