Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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