Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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