Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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