So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My penis needs a shock collar
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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