I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
