i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
