This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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