I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
