Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
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