dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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